Minding Everyone Else’s Business

HATTIESBURG – Vote me for president. I know it’s a little late to officially join the race, but I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!

I’m tired of empty promises, ironclad lockboxes and fuzzy math. I’m ready to take matters into my own hands and I’m looking for your vote.

My platform is simple: I propose a national “one holiday buffer” law to eradicate preemptive holiday merchandising. If adopted, this law would eliminate Christmas

decorating and advertising before Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving preparations before Halloween and so on and so on.

I imagine Hallmark would lobby fiercely against my candidacy and my proposition, but as they create many of the holidays as it is, I don’t see why they can’t simply

reschedule them. I’d even appoint their CEO as my official holiday czar, overseeing the implementation of my new policy and approving all new holidays and

celebrations.

Lets face facts: it’s gotten way out of hand, even by Hallmark’s standards. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind delaying ornament sales, at least somewhat. It must be taxing

to present their new tree trinkets in the midst of summer. It’s unhealthy to be working Christmas that many months in advance anyway.

The magic of Christmas is gone. I loved that enchantment, the atmosphere and the essence of the season. I spent five years in New York where a city that is one of the

meanest, unforgiving places on earth for 11 months of the year, transforms into a twinkling beacon of hope, cheer and merchandising for a month.

I wish the goodwill toward men that Christmas brings was a year-round affirmation, just not the decorations.

If elected, I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that prolonged exposure to Christmas music is harmful to the public health. I’m not talking about the guy that’s

heard “Deck the Halls” so many times he climbs a bell tower with a high-powered rifle, but that’s certainly a start.

I will commission a blue-ribbon panel to examine the problem and award several million dollars toward research at our top universities to do exhaustive study of the

issue. I believe this problem presents a clear and present danger and will go door-to-door if I have to and convince America of that fact.

One needs to look no further than our own local TV stations. They’re selling a “Soulful Christmas” album late night on WHLT. (Order now and you also get the

special bonus CD. That’s two great albums for only $26.99 plus $4.99 shipping and handling.)

So America, vote Matt Martin for president. It’s not just a vote for me; it’s a vote to bring the joy back to Christmas.

Matt Martin is advertising director for Cellular One in Hattiesburg. His column appears sporadically (and spastically, too) in the Mississippi Business Journal.